A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
be right there i have to get my cape
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Randomize
