Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
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