Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
I'm eating all of the evidence.
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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