If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
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