fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
I need a burrito and a hug.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Randomize
