My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
Randomize
