she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
