I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
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