Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
He probably put up nude pics. He seems like that kind of guy.
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
