i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
Randomize
