franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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