Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
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