Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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