i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
Randomize
