my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Randomize
