You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
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