my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
Randomize
