she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
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