I can text with my tongue
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
Randomize
