if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
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