Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
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