break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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