the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
