I hate all girls vehemently.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
