Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
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