No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
I miss vodka workout Fridays
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
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