This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
Randomize
