He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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