You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
Randomize
