yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
ok, his religious views on facebook are madonna lyrics. we no longer have to wonder about his sexuality.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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