after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
Randomize
