I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
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