My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
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