i don't like sucking hair
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Im part way to drunk.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Randomize
