I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize
