Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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