The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
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