there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
I checked into jail on foursquare
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
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