I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Randomize
