I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
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