He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
Randomize
