i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
