if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
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