if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
After tacos, we're chasing women.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
Randomize
