random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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