The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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