You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
