Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
Randomize
