Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
please come you make the beer taste better
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
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