yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
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