the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
